U-boats, Golden Nymphs, and a TALKING PIKACHU!?!? - The Pile May 2023

Alternative Title: More space lesbians please.

Jun 01, 2023

U-boats, Golden Nymphs, and a TALKING PIKACHU

[The Pile is a curated list of… everything and anything. Part review, part personal essay, this is my attempt at helping navigate the torrent of media available to us. An algorithm suggests things to make you angry. A friend suggests things to bring you joy. Read what you want, and leave the rest. You have enough on your own pile. Subscribe for monthly releases]

Greetings. No time to talk, playing that new Zelda game.

Also, I found this very, VERY funny.

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Table of Contents

*Remember, your local library often has free access to newspapers (like the New York Times), movies, magazines, audiobooks, eBooks, music, video games, and more. Plus, they LOVE it if you make a request for something they don’t have. Support libraries.

Having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card.

My 9 Favourite Things This Month

Circe (Book): A retelling of Greek myth, a masterpiece. A must-read. Haunting.
Klangland (Music): Piercingly joyful, mixing melancholy with warm blankets. Sit in the dark and turn up the volume. Bittersweet.
“We need to take away children" (Investigative Journalism): The 2023 Pulitzer Prize for Explanatory Reporting, an astoundingly painful read about how the Trump administration enacted the Zero Tolerance policy. Detailed, powerful, excellent. Mandatory reading.
Das Boot (Movie): Regarded as one of the best war movies ever made. I agree. It is already one of my favourite films I’ve ever seen. Brilliant.
New Super Mario Bros (Video Game): A delightful romp mixing nostalgia with inventive twists. So much fun. Delightful.
People Who Are Bad at Tic-Tac-Toe World Championships (Comedy Short): Dry, witty, sharp, and dumb. Funny.
Why city flags may be the worst-designed thing you've never noticed (Ted Talk): A 15-minute talk on what makes a great flag. Trust me, you’ll like it. Insightful.
12 Angry Men (Movie): A classic in every sense of the word, worth watching. I loved it. Thrilling.
Eagles are Turning People Into Horses: The Movie (Comedic Short Film): Look, you know by the title if this is for you. I like dumb, stupid things. LOL.

YouTube Creator of the Month

Al Muqaddimah

Genre: Excellent, Excellent, Islamic history videos.

Self Description: My name is Syawish and I'm the one-man team that runs Al Muqaddimah. History has always appealed to me more than most things and with time, I came to realize that a certain part, the real, detailed part, about people that called themselves Muslims, was barely available on youtube. It didn't take a lot of research to realize that even Muslims did not seem to know much of their history like how Islam reached the world, what happened to al-Andalus etc. Wanting to answer some of those questions, I decided to fill in the gaps with Al Muqaddimah.

YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@AlMuqaddimahYT/featured

These are some of the best history videos I have ever seen, on any platform. I could write mountains describing how much I love them, but instead I will ask you a question: Do you know who Harun al-Rashid is? Al-Khwarizmi? Ibn Khaldun?

Do you know Julius Caesar, Plato, or Alexander the Great?

If you answered no to one but yes to the other, you dear reader were like me. Shockingly unaware of an entire side of the earth’s contributions to our history, sciences, mathematics, and arts. I was aware I had eurocentrism biases in my understanding of history, but Syawish’s videos have helped me see just how enormous my ignorance was.

Watch a view videos, and learn about some of the most significant and influential people and empires that have ever existed. And most importantly gain a more rounded and complete understanding of the world you live in now.

A Pile of Stuff - May 2023

Music

Klangland

Is It Good: Yes.

Back of the Box: Songs to cry too.

Klangand is an album built on simple melodies, attempting to explore narrative as told entirely through music. Capturing music with words is an impossible task, and so I will say the only ones I know. Music pretty. Very sad. Happy too. Me like.

Favourite track: Jord

Podcasts

China and the Global AI race, by Nothing is Foreign
Crime is up, is bail reform the solution?, by Front Burner
Juan Guaido and failed regime change in Venezuela, by Nothing is Foreign

Web Articles

Don’t have a sub to NYT or others? Check out your Local Library, often they have digital subscriptions available.

Don’t have time to read these now? Use this handy bookmarking tool and save to Pocket! (Seriously, Pocket is AMAZING)

Society's Technical Debt and Software's Gutenberg Moment, by Paul Kedrosky and Eric Norlin for SKV
50 years after release, Disney’s Robin Hood is still a life-changing furry phenomenon, by Josh Spiegel for Polygon
“We need to take away children", by Caitlin Dickerson for The Atlantic
Inside the Secret Working Group That Helped Push Anti-Trans Laws Across the Country, by Madison Pauly for Mother Jones
Desert Hours, by Jane Miller for London Review of Books
Out to Lunch, by Paul Theroux for London Review of Books
Contradictions of Living Through Suicidal Moments, by Clancy Martin for Literary Hub
‘The King and His Husband’: The Gay History of British Royals, by Kayla Epstein for The Washington Post
AI is not good software. It is pretty good people, by Ethan Mollick for One Useful Thing

Movies

Murder on the Orient Express

Genre: A mysterious murder! | Language: English | Released: 2017 | Length: 114 minutes (just right) | Director: Kenneth Branagh | Which Version Did You See: I saw it on Disney + | Rating: PG-13 | Content: Blood, stabbing, shooting, strangling, revenge (you know, murder!) | Parenting Guide: I think the PG 13 rating is good | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: No, you can jump right in, it is designed for people who know nothing about the series.

Is It Good: I really liked it.

Back of the Box: A murder! How dreadful!

I don’t know if you could make a more classic murder mystery. But despite the cliches and tropes, Murder on the Orient Express (or MOTOE as those in the know say) somehow feels breathless, sharp, exciting, and fresh. It helps when you have a brilliant ensemble cast, gorgeous cinematography, fun dialogue, and (of course) a great mystery. I really liked this and can’t wait to see more.

Grab some popcorn and friends and prepare for a great time.

Das Boot

Genre: Submarine warfare | Language: German | Released: 1981 | Length: 3 hours (look, I know it’s a lot, I think it’s worth it. If you want something shorter, the original cut is 149 minutes) | Director: Wolfgang Petersen | Which Version Did You See: I saw the directors cut, with English subtitles rented from Google Play | Rating: Hard R | Content: Suffering, death, drowning, war | Parenting Guide: A hard R war movie, that is also very scary | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: Nope.

Is It Good: One of the best films I’ve ever seen.

Back of the Box: Abandon all hope, you who enter here.

Das Boot is a slow, tense, explosive movie about suffering. It has not aged a day, and is mandatory watching, in my opinion. I am sorry I waited so long to watch this. It tells the tale of a WW2 German submarine crew, focusing on the intense claustrophobia of being in a submarine for months, and the torture and suffering they had to endure.

It is considered one of the best war films ever made. I agree.

12 Angry Men

Genre: Crime Drama/Talking Heads (but there are 12 of them) | Language: English | Released: 1957 | Length: 96 minutes (And it’s perfect) | Director: Sidney Lumet | Which Version Did You See: The black and white original rented from Google Play | Rating: I’d give it a PG-13 | Content: Discussions of murder and abuse | Parenting Guide: I’d say good for all ages, but it is a black and white movie so be warned the ‘kids may not leap in joy when you put it on | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: No.

Is It Good: It’s very good! I thought it was excellent!

Back of the Box: Juries suck, but I don’t know what is better….
12 Angry Men is a movie about 12 men on a jury who are very angry with each other. As the film progresses, the characters discuss whether or not they should find the defendant guilty, and thus send him to his death. This is a tight, twisting film that has aged extremely well. I greatly enjoyed it, and the tense back-and-forth drama is exciting and definitely worth your time.

Glass Onion

Genre: Murder Mystery | Language: English | Released: 2022 | Length: 2 hours 20 min (and it feels right) | Director: Rian Johnson | Which Version Did You See: Netflix | Rating: PG | Content: murder (duh), sexual innuendo, language | Parenting Guide: This film relies on a mature themes for the jokes to land, and I am unsure if young kids would like it. Teens for sure! | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: You can watch Glass Onion on its own, it stands apart and is self-contained. However, I would recommend watching Knives Out first.

Is It Good: Yeah, it’s really fun.

Back of the Box: I love Benoit Blanc. More please.

It’s astounding how quickly the Knives Out franchise (of which there are only two films) has established itself as essential murder mystery viewing, and how Detective Benoit Blanc is already sitting at the table between Sherlock and Poirot like we’ve known him for decades. Glass Onion is really, really fun. Sometimes I felt the dialogue veered too far into quippy, but I had a great time watching this film and highly recommend it.

Video Games

New Super Mario Bros

Is It Good: It’s delightful.

Back of the Box: More Super Mario Bros. But new! ….New’ish!

Hey, guess what? The game that sold 30.8 million copies is really fun and I liked it. New Super Mario Bros for the DS is like a reimaging/remake/homage to the NES original, and I think it’s one of the best Mario platformers out there. It’s incredibly polished, slick, filled with joy and secrets, and short. Wonderful.

Armored Warriors

Is It Good: Easy breezy fun.

Back of the Box: Like mechs? Like fighting robots? Got quarters?

Armored Warriors is a Capcom brawler through and through. Bombastic combat, wonderful spritework, excitingly brisk pacing, and so hungry for quarters.

I booted it up in mild curiosity, and unintentionally ended up playing all the way through. Then I played it again a few days later. It’s just great classic arcade fun.

Detective Pikachu

Is It Good: It’s fine.

Back of the Box: What Pokémon games should be. Or at least look like.

Detective Pikachu is an average to dull detective game, buoyed by frankly insane presentation and style. This game captures what a world of Pokemon would be like, and for that I enjoyed myself. I have always wanted to play a game as a person in a what feels like a living world, and this game gets closer to that then most. The story is fun in a Saturday cartoon kinda way, butttttt: the movie is better.

Books

Gideon the 9th

Genre: Grimdark science fantasy | Released: 2019 | Author: Tamsyn Muir | Language: English | Content: Oof, gore, profanity, sexual references, violence, and gore gore gore gore. But in a pulpy way | Parenting Guide: This is a hard one, it’s written for teens but I could see a great deal of parents being disturbed by its content. I would say: lighten up and let them read | Length: 448 pages, and it feels long | What Version Did You Read: I read a copy loaned by a friend | Do I Need To Read Anything First: No

Is It Good: Yes… But I wanted more kissing. And more plot. But mostly kissing.

Back of the Box: In a rare turn of events, I shall use the real and actual back of the box quote: “Lesbian necromancers explore a haunted gothic palace in space!”

Gideon the Ninth is awesome. Well, that first 20% is, the rest is fine. A snarky, pulpy, witty tonal balancing act that reads like few other things. It’s explosive and interesting from page one, but I found it did start to meander and got caught up in its own politics and world-building. It has some really cool ideas, and I wish I got to see more of them, as most of the interesting universe is left to the side.

So I’ll just have to read the next one.

Circe

Genre: Hot Greek God Fantasy | Released: 2018 | Author: Madeline Miller | Language: English | Content: Violence, Rape, Gore, Murder, Assault… everything | Parenting Guide: This is a book for adults, and requires a co-read for anyone younger than 17 | Length: 393 pages, 12 hours audio book (which is perfectly paced) | What Version Did You Read: I listened to the audiobook read by Perdita Weeks, who did a phenomenal job | Do I Need To Read Anything First: This is technically preceded by another book by Miller called The Song of Achilles, and there are references to it. I have not read The Song of Achilles, and it did not affect my enjoyment at all.

Is It Good: It is achingly brilliant, an absolute tour de force.

Back of the Box: I have nothing witty or clever, I am so stunned only the truth remains: this is an amazing book.

Go read Circe. The end. Anything I write will be an injustice, as I will be unable to capture what makes this book so enrapturing. The Greek myths have been told for thousands of years, it is quite a talent to retell a tale so brilliantly it becomes bright, shining, and new.

This will stay with me for a long while. I am very grateful.

Theater

Little Red Warrior and his Lawyer

Genre: Comedy | What Version Did You See: Live at the National Arts Centre in 2023 | Parenting Guide: Very raunchy, language. Adults only

Is It Good: It’s a mess. Moments of brilliance mixed with shockingly subpar scenes.

Back of the Box: What is going on?

I did not like Little Red Warrior and his Lawyer, a play about an indigenous man and a relationship he forms with his lawyer trying to settle a land claim. This is too bad because there are 1.5 scenes in the show that are BRILLIANT and could almost be worth admission. The play is like watching two plays crammed together into a new play, and this new Frankenstein play is currently in a workshop. There is something brilliant here, but if it is a rough gem then it’s a gem still buried in bedrock.

Television

Star Trek: Picard Season 3

Genre: Space Fantasy, sadly | Language: English | Released: 2023 | Length: 10, 45 minutes each | Which Version Did You See: Paramount + | Rating: 14+ | Content: Tis violent, has swear words (ugh, come on Paramount), and body horror | Parenting Guide: Older teens only| Do I Need to Watch Anything First: Yeah, like… All of TNG, VOY, most of DS9 and of course S1 and S2 of Picard.

Is It Good: It’s the best Star Trek: Picard will ever be. So…. Not really.

Back of the Box: TNG was fun, eh?

Star Trek: Picard is over and reaches its highest peak yet! They finally gave up and just made a rushed and sloppy TNG season 8. And (gasp), I was mildly entertained for two episodes. Picard never knew what it was or wanted to be, I was constantly baffled by it, and I am glad it’s over so they can’t hurt me anymore. Not worth it.

…Unless they do a spin-off, which (and hear me out), I actually think could be good.

Short Films

A Brief Disagreement

3 minutes, animation. "War does not determine who is right - only who is left."

The Turning Point

4 minutes, animated music video. My god, what have we done?

Eagles are Turning People Into Horses: The Movie

16 minutes, off the wall comedy. It’s amazing.

Coda

9 minutes, animation. “Take me in your arms. I wish to see the sky and feel the weather on my skin.”

765874 - Regeneration

2 minutes, Deep Fake animation. "Of my friend, I can only say this: of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most… human."

Stand Up Comedy

John Mulaney: Baby J

Genre: Traditional Stand Up Comedy | Language: English | Released: 2023 | Length: 80 minutes | Performer: John Mulaney | Which Version Did You See: Netfilx | Rating: R | Content: frank discussions of drug addictions | Parenting Guide: Language, and I think it depends on your own personal feelings of drug usage and discussion. Older teens and up. | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: No, but you would get a great deal more from the show if you have seen his previous work (Come Back Kid is great) and are aware of his recent media scandals (divorce, rehab, etc)

Is It Good: Yes, but very different from his previous work.

Back of the Box: Lil' baby J talks cocaine.

I am a huge fan of Mr. Mulaney, and ravenously devour all of his work. His timing is impeccable, his delivery masterful, and… he’s just real funny. I think like a lot of people, I was surprised when his personal life become so public, especially given his public persona.

His new special talks quite openly about his addictions, weaknesses, and struggles, while still retaining his unique presentation. He has lost that lightness, and this is heavy subject matter, but I think he somehow pulls it off. I love rewatching his older specials, and this will not be one I rewatch, but it will be the one that affected me the most.

Hannah Gadsby: Something Special

Genre: Traditional Stand Up Comedy | Language: English | Released: 2023 | Length: 1 hour and 12 minutes (feels a bit long) | Performer: Hannah Gadsby | Which Version Did You See: Netflix | Rating: TV-MA | Content: sexual references, language, and mild violence | Parenting Guide: I would show this to my children 10 and up, although I would highly suggest you watch it first | Do I Need to Watch Anything First: I would suggest you watch their first two specials (in order) first: Nanette and Douglas. You could watch any of them in any order and have a great time, but they tell a cohesive story when seen in order.

Is It Good: Yes, a fitting end to the trilogy.

Back of the Box: Here comes the sun. And bunnies.

This is a tricky one, as Something Special is not as strong, biting, or powerful as Hannah Gadsby’s other two specials, which felt revolutionary in many ways. But this is a deliberate choice by Hannah to write something positive and warm, and when viewed as a deserved ending to the story they started telling in 2017 with Nanette it’s charming and wonderful.

YouTube

YouTube is a giant, messy online space. The only real way to find interesting things is for other people to show you what they find. Here is my contribution to such a noble endeavour.

If you are out of your mind and have nothing but time, here is a playlist of every video I’ve suggested this year.

If you have less time, but still a lot of it, here is a playlist of every video I liked this month.

This month’s categories are:

Spoken Thoughts (6 videos): On vanity, flags, and the aluminum can.
I Find This Funny (13 videos): Short and sweet comedy. Like a Snapple for your mind. *Full disclosure, I don’t really know what a Snapple is.
I don’t have a theme for this (16 videos): I don’t have a theme for this.
I like video games (12 videos): I like video games.

And for those with no time, here are my favorite videos from this month.

People Who Are Bad at Tic-Tac-Toe World Championships, by Aunty Donna, Comedy (6 min)
Dating App Writers Room, by BriTANicK, Comedy (3 min)
Why It’s Rude to Suck at Warcraft, by Folding Ideas, Essay (1 hour 25 min)
The Grotesque Legacy of Music as Property, by Adam Neely, Essay (35 min)
Orangutan Card Trick DEBUNK, by Captain Disillusion, VFX Breakdown/Essay (17 min)
Crafting an Amethyst D20, then scratching all the edges!, by Hedron Rockworks, Craftsmanship (9 min)
Why city flags may be the worst-designed thing you've never noticed, by TED (Roman Mars), Ted Talk (18 min)
When you have an obscure question and can't find the answer, by Andrew Rousso, Comedy (4 min)

And of course, this:

Monthly Musings

The ocean is freezing cold.

And they were sinking.

A man lost to the foaming frigid sea could die in as little as fifteen minutes, his strength ebbing away as his blood rushes to his innards, his life wafting into water as each gentle wave wrenches every last bit of warmth from him.

Lieutenant Werner was sinking. The boat was sinking.

The cold weight of the Atlantic forced itself on the tiny ship, grasping the boat by its shoulders as its stiff fingers penetrated the hull soaking the crew with gleeful abandon. There was nowhere to go, nothing but cold water and burning depth charges.

It was so hot. Sweat glistened and gleaned on each man in the tiny submarine, stinking and sweating and blistering hot. It seemed an insult, a final trick, that before Werner drowned by inky black he had to burn first.

Everyone was screaming, their voices only matched by the roaring cursing of American depth charges. The destroyer was atop of them, it knew where they were. Over, and over, and over, and over again Werner’s U-boat pitched, shook, and rocked as explosive after explosive fired.

He was going to die.

The ship was sinking. Men scrambled to patch leaks. Men screamed as screws shot out from the walls like bullets as pressure began crushing the walls.

Werner was going to die.

Maybe he would drown first. Crushed? Freeze… Burn.

But he was going to die.

As men ran past him, as leaking water dripped on his burning forehead, as the ship began to literally tear itself apart, Werner dragged himself towards his bed.

His Captain screamed orders, bodies scrambled around him, and Werner pulled the blankets over his body and tried to sleep.

He closed his eyes.

The ship was sinking.

And Werner fell asleep.

Werner is not real, of course, but a character in the film Das Boot, itself based on Lothar-Günther Buchheim’s own experiences as a war correspondent on German U-boats during the second world war. The film is excellent, wringing out more drama and coiled tension from the gentle whirring of a propeller blade than some films can create during their entire runtime. It’s bombastic, explosive, meditative, and filled with scenes that have influenced films for the last forty years.

For me, despite the thrilling escapes or the cat and mouse hunts, the one scene that resonated with me more than anything was Werner hiding in his bed and falling asleep in the middle of a war.

I love to sleep. I love to slip away in endless repetitions of ‘fifteen more minutes’ until so many hours have passed away whatever I was hiding from will have to wait another day.

“Death’s Brother is the name that poets give to sleep,” The Witch Circe explains, “For most men those dark hours are a reminder of the stillness that waits at the end of days.” Depression is not suicidal ideation, and sleep is not death. Sleep is the ultimate expression of depression, flat and frozen, unmoving but still alive. I am still alive, I am still participating in my life. I am just choosing to sleep.

During my reading of Circe, Madeline Miller’s Greek mythological masterpiece, I felt a deep envy towards how the Greek God’s slept. Circe tells her son that, “The gods sleep soundly. They do not toss and turn as we do, plagued by dreams or memories or thoughts of what is to come. They sleep like a knife, straight and sharp.”

The God’s do not need sleep, they choose it. It gives them pleasure, but it is unneeded to life as chocolate. Deeply desired, but survivable without. In my youth I came to view sleep as time travel, my way to escape the current moment and exit to a better future.

I built my first time machine in Thunder Bay. I had my first Paramedic job in that city, and worked ‘part time’ in the sense that I never knew when my next shift would be. I lived by my phone, a small black glossy flip phone my mom had given me, lovingly nicknamed ‘the cricket’. The cricket would chirp, and I would rush to work. Sometimes the shift started in ten minutes, sometimes the next day, and sometimes I would do nothing for unending days.

I never knew when the chirp would come, day or night, and I desperately wanted (and needed) to work in the ambulance. I had no other job (as was encouraged by the city to maximize my own availability), no hobbies in fear of not being available for a call, and waited in my house (er, rented attic space) for something to happen.

In hindsight, it was a horrific way to treat new employees, to extract work without having to pay those pesky benefits or worry about liveable scheduling, but at the time that was just the way it was. I felt grateful to even have a position and allowed the service to inject itself into my life. It would not be the last time, and I thought little of it.

I grew bored very quickly. At work, I watched murders and shootings and ran after naked men through shopping malls. At home, I sat in front of my tiny white laptop while Netflix worried if I was still there and ran on a treadmill so much I started peeing blood. I just wanted to go back to work, it seemed the only thing to break the meaningless monotony of my own life.

That’s when I built my first time machine. It was small, not very powerful, but I grew to use it every day. I discovered the machine’s many helpful uses, firstly to combat boredom. If I use the machine now at 10:00 and step out at 2:00, then I only have to find something to do for a few hours until I can go back to sleep.

My budget was extremely tight and my pay was unpredictable (hence living in an attic), and the machine had a solution as well. If I stepped in at 12:00 and came out at 5:00, then I would not have to eat lunch. This was a game-changer, as not only did I not need to eat peanut butter and toast again, but I saved some money AND only had to fight my boredom for three hours tops before going back to sleep.

The machine also had a great many smart features, such as allowing time to pass but not making me feel rested, thus still granting me a full 12 hours of night sleep.

Years later and in other cities, I upgraded to a portable unit and was able to bring the time machine with me to work as well. I no longer worked part-time, but the boredom found me at work too. Paramedicine is the most exciting dullness I have encountered, and between calls I would sleep.

The only thing that determined a good day or a bad day for my partners and I would be how many naps we got. Besides, sleeping hurts less than thinking.

Eventually, I just left the machine on. All the time. At home, at work, everywhere.

I have no embarrassment towards it. I was depressed, I was traumatized, and I am in recovery. If asked by others, I explain my experiences of depression relatively openly (ugh, vulnerability). The time machine ruled my life, and it no longer does (most of the time). It makes a good story.

Werner crawling to bed as his ship sank reminds me of my own sleeping while my life also sank around me, my spouse bailing water and patching holes as I curled up into a blanket. I feel guilty, but not embarrassed.

I am meandering and being overly wordy (as I tend. to. be.) because I do have one great embarrassment about sleep. Something that I want to hide from everybody, and something I desperately try on a weekly basis to stop.

You see, dear reader, I… Nap.

I take naps.

I am an adult who naps.

Everyday.

And I hate it.

I spent the first year of my recovery learning how to sleep, another thing I at the time found embarrassing. Infantilizing. Babies need to learn how to sleep, I would argue, I am passed that. I, big strong me, do not need to learn how to sleep. I want to learn how to stop having nightmares, or being so angry all the time. Heck, I don’t want to learn how to sleep, I need you to teach me how to stop.

“Youth is a perpetual intoxication; it is a fever of the mind.”

I’m positive Rochefoucauld is laughing at me.

Francois De La Rochefoucauld Quotes | Sample Posts

And thus, the secret of sleep was taught to me, through weeks and months of failures. Going to bed on time, waking up at the same time, and winding down before sleeping is not the secret. You already know that consistency is the balm. I already knew that. The secret: good sleep is not natural.

You prey animal, you box of fears, I know you are waiting for the day when you start sleeping better. And you won’t. That day won’t come, unless you invite it. Unless you sit down with it and sign a contract. Time machines are easier to build than your own bed.

Sleep is effortful. It is intentional. Sleep is hard. And I love telling people how it changed my life. Me, now with my new long beard and longer hair in a bun am happy to pull you aside and tell you how ‘sleep routine and a wake up light totally changed my life man’.

I have pride in my sleep. The same pride I have over a well-crafted sentence or a freshly cleaned room. The sleep I have built is something I treasure, and fight to keep unchanged and permanent.

Which is why I hate napping. Napping feels like a betrayal, like I’m back to that isolated and traumatized paramedic trying to sleep long enough that I awake cured.

But most importantly, I am afraid of you. Because I don’t hate napping, not really. I fucking love naps. Duh. But I am terrified of your resentment if you knew I napped.

I have written… too much. Again. Again I find myself trapped by the need to justify, because I am so so terribly frightened of you. I want to tell you I nap because I have PTSD. I want to tell you I nap because my psychologist told me it was important. That my occupational therapist suggested it, not me, not hard working productive me. The fear of your judgment, of being seen as lazy or weak, consumes me.

But even the God’s nap. And the truth is I nap because it feels good. At this moment in my life I nap so I can be present for my spouse, so that I can make dinner that night or laugh while watching a movie. So I can enjoy my life.

And yes, it’s not fair that I am in a position to be able to do so. Life would be better if we could all nap, all take a break from producing for just a few moments. It is not fair we have built a culture that napping is seen as lazy, weak, and babyish. I realize that it stems from a need for acceptance. It is a fear of being seen as imperfect, of not meeting societal expectations. But why should I allow the opinions of others to dictate my actions and hinder my well-being?

And for those who want to nap, and can’t, the solution can not be no one should nap.

WHY SHOULD I PAY FOR INSULIN IF THE ADDICT GETS METHADONE FOR FREE?

WHY SHOULD THEY GET MORE BENIFTS WHEN I HAVE NONE?

WHY SHOULD THIS GUY GET TO NAP WHEN I WORK SO HARD JUST TO SURVIVE?

Those flames burn my insides, but they are of course the wrong question.

Why do I pay for insulin?

Why don’t I have benefits?

Why can’t I nap?

I want to be the Goddess Circe, “I cared for myself. I took care of myself. I lived for myself. And I would not have to answer to anyone.” Well, at least the Circe near the end of the book. I do NOT want all those other… things.

It feels… silly to suggest napping is resistance. Like I am trying to put more importance upon it, or… uh… well… justify to you why I nap.

But today I am resisting.

I am resisting my deep-rooted need to hide that I nap. I am resisting my embarrassment and shame in doing something that makes me better.

I don’t want to be the man sleeping as water fills the hull.

I don’t want to be the Greek gods filled with over indulgences seeking pleasure over growth.

I want to be me. I want to get better.

I want to nap.

And if you want, I want you to nap too.

See you next month.

And you should read Circe and watch Das Boot.

I liked them.